Not good enough. It’s a horrible feeling, and yet so very common!
The Script (remember, that’s that norty negative voice inside our heads) likes to tell many of us that we are some version of not good enough.
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Not pretty enough
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Not smart enough
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Not brave enough
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Not tall enough
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Not agile enough
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Not working enough
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Not successful enough
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and so on…
And most people think that they are thinking that about themselves. That the voice inside their head is their own voice. And that can be absolutely devastating! Indeed, that negative voice kills people every day, because they think it’s their own voice and it’s telling them the truth!
The first step is to recognise that this isn’t you thinking those things. Not the real you. The real you wouldn’t choose to think or feel that way. That’s how you know it isn’t! It’s what we like to call the Script, because when it can, it tells you what to do, where to go, how to react and what to say! Just like an actor’s script! So when you get that negative voice telling you all sorts of lies, you can also know that it’s “just” the Script. This helps you to separate you from those thoughts, making them less devastating!
We know that the Script lies to keep us “safe” and small. We know that it will tell us almost anything to keep us from doing the risky and fun things! And we also know that it won’t ever stop completely, though we can sometimes reduce how often and change what it says somewhat. So we need to learn to not listen, or to listen and not take on board, what it says. This way, we can keep going even when the Script is trying to hold us back, and not be held back!
Essentially every client I’ve ever worked with has had this one thing in common. Otherwise, they’re often very different, and how it manifests can be wildly different. But that “not good enough” vibe seems to run through all my clients in one way or another. And maybe that’s not so strange, since I struggled with issues around not good enough for a long, long time. I still get the odd insecure moment because the Script sneaks in when I’m not awake enough to stop it, but it’s all definitely reducing.
What does it feel like to experience this? That can be quite individual, but also has some similar features for everyone I’ve worked with.
To begin with, it will increase anxiety and feelings of insecurity. Where that actually sits and what it does to the person can be quite individual, but it usually has the effect of preventing them from moving forward, or at the very least hesitating a lot. Procrastination often sits here, and even depression can sit here. If you don’t feel like you’re good enough, how can you start/complete a project? If you don’t feel pretty enough,why would you book that date? If you don’t feel brave enough, you definitely can’t make the decisions that will help you move forward with life!
For me, it tends to mean a physical reaction in the pit of my stomach. I can feel like I’m going up in a rollercoaster too fast – and I don’t like rollercoasters! Depending on how strong the feeling ends up, I can feel like I simply can’t move, and it will often directly prevent me from saying the things that are bouncing around inside my head, no matter how much I might want to! I’ve had many situations over the years where I’ve been almost screaming at myself inside my head, while at the same time apparently completely incapable of saying those words out loud! Some of my clients describe more of a hot ball in their chest that prevents them from doing or saying what they want. I’ve even had a client describe it like a straitjacket, that completely prevents them from moving!
So how can you prevent not feeling good enough from stopping you from living your life? It really is lying, and if you stop and let yourself think seriously about it, you may find that you’re able to find lots of evidence of that lie.
I find that it helps to consider the Script as a 5yo child who is scared, and makes things up, or shares their fears with me. I can be understanding of the fact that they’re scared, but I don’t have to make my own decisions based on those fears. So in the same way I might hug a small child and tell them it’s okay that they’re scared but I’m going to go out in the dark night anyway, I might metaphorically pat the Script on the head and go ahead and ignore what it says too.
That sounds super easy, but it often isn’t. It’s a fairly simple concept, but we’ve had decades of experience listening to it, so it won’t be all that easy just changing to not listening straight away. Imagine someone who’s been in an abusive relationship – even when they’re out of it, and they know that the person they’re now talking with isn’t the abuser, they’re still going to react in ways they wouldn’t choose if they could choose, because of long-held habits and experience. It takes time to build this new resilience and these new patterns!
When I first started working on my self esteem and confidence in myself, my mentor and coach, Liz Ivory, gave me an affirmation that helped me work on believing the good bits about myself instead of the “not good enough” stuff that my version of the Script was very loud about!
“Regardless of what I do, I totally and completely love and accept myself exactly as I am right now.”
It took a little time, because I was overwriting years of conditioning, but I eventually started to actually believe it. And so I don’t have to listen to that negative voice when it comes out with all the “not good enough” nonsense. Because I know better, deep inside.
This doesn’t mean I don’t have my moments. And it can hit me just as hard as it used to. The difference is that I don’t hold onto it for very long these days. Because I know that it isn’t me that believes all that. It’s the Script.
I absolutely am good enough. And so are you. Exactly as you are, right now.
That said, if that’s not a feeling that sits comfortably for you, and you want to explore learning how to truly believe it, get in touch! The time to change is NOW!