Have you ever thought about who you really want to be? About who you are now, and whether those two come even close to matching?
Not like when we’re little and want to be a princess or an astronaut, or a princess astronaut…
But truly, what do you want life to give you, and what do you want to give it?
I sometimes think we spend more time considering what we want in a house than what we want in our lives! We’ll spend hours looking at different houses, considering the number of bedrooms, the type of bathrooms, whether they’re close to the right schools and have parking and enough garden and so many important things. But what about ourselves? Don’t WE deserve the same thought, so we know for sure what is important to us, so we can create the life we truly want to live?
So often, when we’re asked who we are, we respond with our job title, or the name(s) of our child(ren), or similar. But those are only tiny parts of who we really are inside!
To figure out what I genuinely wanted out of life was hard to start with. No one had ever really asked me that and wanted to listen to my reply! In school, it was what you wanted to study vs whether you were good enough to actually do that. At home, we kind of fall into a role with parents and siblings. I’ve never been married, although I’ve had some good long-term relationships. But in many of those, who I was wasn’t really the important bit. It was who they wanted me to be.
I spent many years being bullied, and having been a sensitive soul who took everything to heart and desperately wanted to create safety by controlling the reactions of those around me, I became someone who didn’t share strong feelings, needs or wants. It wasn’t safe to do so, in case someone reacted poorly to those needs and wants, and got angry or upset. I’ll even put myself down FIRST, in a joking manner, so no one else can! If I’ve already joked that I’ll be rubbish at that new thing I am learning, then it takes the sting out of someone thinking I’m rubbish at it—in case they do.
I’m very fortunate now to have someone who genuinely cares for who I really am, and sees my growth and development as something super exciting and healthy, rather than as a threat to them. But that’s taken some time and a few false starts!
So, who am I, really?
I’m sensitive, funny, gentle, loving. I have a huge heart and it can be easily bruised. I’m strong and independent and stubborn and silly and capable. I love good food, animals (well, except the ones that sting), and sunshine! I am full of joy and will almost always find the good in a situation almost no matter what. I need safety, I need integrity and honesty. Those are the guiding lights of everything in my life. If I’m not safe, I can’t do anything.
I’ve created a kind of “avatar”, of the me that I strive to be. Now, I kickbox three times a week, and I love it. I’m a little over halfway to my blackbelt, and I’m quite motivated to get it. In kickboxing, to reach my blackbelt, I need self discipline, balance (both mental and physical), skills, motivation, determination, dedication and a good sense of humour because it’s not always things go the way I might’ve planned! And all those things are things I need in general life too! So the me that I strive to be is my “blackbelt Chris”. Someone I work towards every day.
Who are you right now?
Who do you want to be?